I've probably written this over and over in my mind at least a dozen times in the last two weeks. (That's where most of my writing stays.) But today after a hike with someone I consider a mentor, I'm putting this down to better understand later.
As we walked and scrambled, we talked about life, mistakes, wing-suit jumping (him, not me), health and surgeries, and goals. Lots of goals. And putting those goals on paper and pushing them in front of people and reflecting on them. And basically, just making shit happen. To be completely open, the last two and a half years- they've kicked my ass. Hard. As in crying into the pillow as I fell asleep and feeling still completely exhausted as I woke up. So those goals that I've written down over the last few New Years and birthdays sit barely checked off. I mean, how can one take big leaps when each day you wonder if you're drowning?
In July, though, I read something that completely helped me find the clarity I had been seeking. At that point, I was clawing at each day just to make it through the hours. After reading and some soul searching and a few chats with God, I put my foot down on my life. I would find myself again- I knew who I was searching for at least. The words and events that I had allowed to wound me - I was going to wrestle with and win. I still am- wrestling, that is. But, with God's help, I've moved to the best place I've been emotionally in a long time.
So what does that have to do with goals and climbing? Maybe it's just me, maybe it's because I'm a girl, but I don't compartmentalize. My confidence had been knocked in "real life" at work and in relationships and I let it seep into my climbing. Add into that a fractured radial head and carpal tunnel from pregnancy, I've not even put in much climbing mileage the last couple of seasons. I haven't lead in that long either, actually a bit longer because of when camp starts each spring.
So this fall, I've worked on all stuff mental. I'm rereading 'Rock Warriors Way' and reconnecting with those that inspire me to be motivated. I sat down and looked at what I had done and what I had followed those first two years I was a climber. I forgot what I could do.
A year and a half ago, a friend took me and another friend down the lower Coosa during the Supermoon. It was the first time I had paddled at night. It was amazing. Except, we got to a rapid and all got out to watch each person go down it that wanted to go. He looked at me knowing I wanted to go but I said no. I think we were both a bit shocked. I deflected interest with the excuse that I didn't want to leave our other friend out (which was slightly true), but really I was scared of actually succeeding and becoming myself again. That memory stays in the back of my mind and revisits me from time to time. I thought about today as we hiked and talked of goals. What would I do if I wasn't holding myself back?
These are the things: I will lead again, I will handle my job and all of the new responsibilities I have gracefully, I will go back and paddle that rapid, I will let God lead my heart, I will say yes, I will push my limits, I will be joyfully exhausted, and I will know that I am worthy to do anything I desire to do.
So here's to 2013. Man, you've been something. Thanks for bringing me back. Hello, 2014. We're going to be flippin' awesome together. You will teach me so much and I'm looking forward to it. Cheers!